Don't Mistake Politeness For Lack of Strength

The Silent Majority

Are you registered to vote?* Here’s the thing: there’s no denying there are a lot of angry people out there (pick a side on ANY topic, you’ll find them) who are ready to be divisive, insulting, and negative to make their point(s). They’re loud and abrasive. You know who we’re talking about!

BUT…

We believe that’s not the majority. We believe there’s reason to have faith in each other. We believe that, for most of us, the goals are common and the progress is possible. We believe that civil discourse is the way to go and that, like us, MANY are having these difficult and important conversations not visible on social media. We also believe in showing up when it counts. In using our voices when it matters. We believe in the power of our votes.

It’s not too early to register to vote in this year’s election. It’s not too early to start informing yourself on the issues that matter most to you. It’s not too early to show your strength by using your voice. Have meaningful conversations, learn as much as you can, and when November comes around: VOTE!

*Need to check your registration status? Go to vote.gov to check and get registered today!

Listening, Learning, & Supporting.

2020 is NOT letting up, is it? We’re still grappling with Covid-19, which means schools, businesses, and much else about our “normal” lives is still anything but normal.

As is so often the case, life has not presented us with just one thing to focus our attentions on. In recent months, there have been incidents of extreme injustice that have brought years of racial inequality into stark relief for the nation as a whole. In the era of camera phones and social media, it is impossible to argue the facts of what happened to Ahmaud Arbery, what happened to George Floyd, and what happened to Breonna Taylor. The murder of these black people have stoked outrage, as it should.

This outrage has not been solely for these three victims of unprovoked brutality. It’s the culmination of years of pent up grief and anger at the injustice of a broken system. A system that we, as a nation, have allowed to continue relatively unchecked for far too long.

And so, in recent months, the affected segment of our populationhas grown loud. Black people are pleading: For us all to take their struggle seriously. To not confuse or dilute their message. To understand. To be their allies. To give them the same rights and humanity that are afforded other citizens in our nation. To acknowledge that systemic racism (whether we acknowledge our role in it or not) is something that dictates how they get to live every day.

On Tuesday this week, many on social media (ourselves included) participated in #blackouttuesday, where we paused our normal feed to show up in solidarity with our black sisters and brothers. It was, though flawed in the eyes of some, a step that many took to say “ok, I’m taking a moment to pay attention and hopefully help in some way, even if I feel unsure of what that means.”

We can’t speak for all, but we want to clarify our message. We participated in #blackouttuesday to say this: “We’re listening. We’re grieving for your many losses. We’re TRYING to learn more. We are ACTIVELY participating. We SUPPORT you. We support #BlackLivesMatters.”

Sounds ok, but for those of you that might be wondering what that actually translates to in action? We want to be explicit with how we’re trying. These are the things we’re doing:

  1. Having difficult conversations with adult family members and friends, challenging each other to identify and pinpoint our respective roles in a society that has allowed and accepted racial inequality as our norm.
  2. Speaking with our young children about what racism means, how it’s a learned way of thinking and living that we must actively work to unlearn and not perpetuate.
  3. Listening – to shared messages from members of the black community, the law enforcement community and, yes, also the white community – to understand the different perspectives.
  4. Reading – about the deep history of racial inequity in our country and about some of the many stories of lives that have been unnecessarily cut short.
  5. Supporting black owned businesses by actively seeking them out and patronizing them.
  6. Reaching out to our local law enforcement offices to better understand what policies they have in place so that we can work within our own communities to advocate for and vote for proper reform.
  7. Reflecting on our own privileges and acknowledging how we have benefited from a societal structure that has kept others oppressed.

These are the things we’re doing. Are they enough? On their own, no. We are not so naive as to believe that to be the case. We’re realists who understand that the task of implementing real and lasting reform of both mindset and policy is not only complicated, but difficult. There is much work to be done, and the struggle will continue long after the protests slow down.

However, we are also by nature, hopeful. No matter how dire the circumstances, no matter how frustrating (or enraging) the information we digest…we remain hopeful. Why? Simply put, we don’t see any other way around it. We have children to raise. We have future generations to consider. We have global and local issues that cannot be ignored (Covid, climate change, education) any more than BLM can be ignored. We have our individual lives to keep living, paychecks that need to be earned… even as we continue to put in the work to amplify the voices of those who need us to support them.

Today would have marked the 27th birthday of Breonna Taylor. We write her name and we speak it out loud because her life mattered. Her death matters. The changes that will lead to fewer deaths like hers are necessary. We have hope that they can happen. In the meantime, we will keep listening. We will keep trying to learn. And we will keep working to be the allies that we would want for ourselves, for our own children.

We began Better With Sisters for many reasons, but the first and foremost was to cultivate connection. That is still and will always be our main focus. We believe in spreading positivity and support for ALL our sisters. We also believe in looking forward to our future with hope and optimism.

So, while our future posts will continue to be varied in nature, please know that it does not detract from the work we know still needs to be done and the work we continue to do. We encourage you, as always, to connect with us and let us know what’s on your mind.

With sisterly love,

Cathy & Lan

In The Meantime…

“It’s OK if you need to let it out; be sad, be frustrated, say out loud that you’re scared or nervous, or even mad. It’s definitely OK to cry if you need to. BUT, know that we’re in this together, and this will pass. In the meantime, I’m here for you.”

Nope, these weren’t words I said to a friend. These were the words I had to give to my 10 year old last night. She had been, up until that point, generally upbeat and incredibly well-adjusted to the whole quarantine situation. She and her 8 year old brother have been a God-send to me in this time of crisis. They’ve given me joy and a sense of purpose through this very surreal experience where any sense of normalcy has been all but abandoned. But, it was bound to happen, the asking of this question. As we headed into the 6th week of sheltering in place, she asked me over dinner:

“Mommy, when will this be over so we can be with everyone again?”

And, my heart broke a little as I replied:

“I’m so sorry, sweetie, but I honestly don’t know. I can’t promise you anything because I just don’t have the answers…as much as I wish I did.

Her eyes welled up and she finally released the tension she didn’t even know she’d been holding. My response was a blow for her in more ways than one. You see, our kids rely on us, as parents, to KNOW… all the things. To guide them and to have definitive answers about the world around them. They look to us for how to react, how to process, and how to move forward. They take their cues from us in every way. And that’s why it’s important that we approach parenting from a place of honesty and compassion.

When I gave her this reply of honest uncertainty, it was just another blow to her already tenuous hold on normalcy. She cried, and they were not the tears of a kid with a scraped knee. These were tears of grief as real as any adult’s. These were tears of frustration over a situation she could neither fully understand or control. These were tears of longing for her family, friends and teachers. And these tears just about undid me as a mom.

And that’s why I gave her what I could: permission to FEEL. Permission to be sad so that she could then figure out how to move forward. And then, I gave her reassurance that she wasn’t alone. Because, at the end of the day, that’s all any of us can do, right? Acknowledge our hardships and then keep going, with the support of the ones around us. So, whenever you can, please give your fellow citizens this same consideration: we’re all processing as best as we can… and we can all use a little empathy and support.

I KNOW we will get through this. We, as a global community, will move forward. We always do, because we are resilient. We are strong enough. But, being strong doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to feel the hardships as we go through them.

I’m sharing this because I hope YOU will allow yourself to be sad/mad/frustrated/anxious or WHATEVER emotion you are experiencing. I hope you’ll allow yourself this and know that we’re all feeling the same things. Maybe at different times, and maybe we’re expressing a little differently, but we truly are in this together. And that is precisely how we’ll get THROUGH it, too: TOGETHER.

With love and support-

Cathy

Why Your Words Matter

It happens often… you’re having a conversation with someone and you just can’t seem to get the words out to express yourself. Sometimes, it happens in casual conversation; no big deal! Other times, the stakes are a little higher (i.e. you really need to work through a problem and get your point across!) and it’s just plain frustrating that you can’t express your thoughts the way you’d like. In those moments, you might be wishing you were a more effective communicator. You’re not alone – we’ve all been there!

The reality is there are few individuals capable of saying exactly what they mean, the way they mean to say it, in every conversation. However, there are some people who are more effective communicators than others, and if you are someone who wishes they were just a little better with this particular skill, we have good news – there’s hope! We’re sharing 5 practical tips to help ANYONE become a better communicator.

Everyday chit chat is easy enough – but when you’re trying your best to get your point across, whether for a personal matter or in a professional capacity, the process can be challenging. Effective communication in these scenarios is vital! You can’t get what you want, or what you need if you can’t clearly and concisely communicate that need or want. People cannot read your mind! Every successful relationship between two people requires the understanding gained from an open dialogue in which both parties are actively listening and understanding eachothers’ needs and wants.

One example of a relationship that absolutely REQUIRES effective communication:  marriage! If you’re married yourself, you can probably attest to the fact that your happy days are not a result of dumb luck. Marriage can be really hard work. When we say work, we mean it’s hard to communicate on a constant basis with someone that you love, in a manner that is respectful and at the same time, gets your needs across and met. And at the same time, understanding your partner’s needs and meeting those needs. Communication, when it’s effective, makes that work a little bit easier. But it’s still work in that it requires awareness and conscious effort. It requires respect for your partner and a lot of self-control, because by nature, it’s a personal thing. Controlling those emotions and staying clear in your message is what makes communicating in your personal relationships manageable.

On a professional level, whether you’re talking with a service provider, like calling your cable company to complain about something, or you’re talking with your boss or a colleague, there’s a level of communication that is required. If you want something done, or a problem solved, you need to be able to effectively communicate what the problem is and what the outcome is that you’re looking for…and it has to be something that they can actually do to work with you to accomplish. A lot of people are intimidated by these types of conversations. They don’t like conflict or asking for what they want. They don’t like being the person that’s seen as aggressive or assertive, because it’s uncomfortable.  We want to take the discomfort out of the idea of talking to someone effectively. It’s a much easier skill than people realize.

Being an effective communicator isn’t always a natural talent. It’s something you become with practice, and that practice begins from the time you’re a baby learning how your sounds and body language help you navigate the world to get what you need to survive. As you grow, you learn vocabulary that enables you, when you use it, to become more efficient in expressing yourself. As an adult, there’s no reason this growing and evolving should ever stop! As you experience life and navigate different interpersonal situations, you realize there are common threads in the way people speak and behave. You see the patterns in how people respond to you when you choose certain words, tone, and body language. If you’re paying attention and are willing to learn from each situation, you’ll be able to hone your skills as a communicator in every scenario going forward.

Equally important to the ability to speak clearly is the concept of listening and trying to see the whole picture. It takes a lot of self-restraint and mindfulness. This is an integral part of being an effective communicator. Part of being a good communicator is hearing what the other person has to say. You need to process that information, and then share with them what you believe you heard. While you’re not always going to agree with the points being made, showing that you understand the other party shows your level of respect for them. When people feel respected and understood, they are much more likely to meet you in compromise and understanding of YOUR needs and wants.

In discussing effective communication, it’s really important to acknowledge that our body language is a form of communication. Non-verbal communication is also a skill that is developed, because if you don’t recognize that you do it, you can’t develop it. Controlling your nonverbal cues is so much a part of conveying whatever message it is you’re trying to get across. If you’re not aware of how you communicate your feelings and your thoughts with your physical signs, you could be doing harm to your relationships and to your situation. For example, if two people are having a conversation, and one person is rolling their eyes or crossing their arms or leaning away from the other, they’re conveying PLENTY without saying a single word. While they’re technically giving the other person a turn to speak, they might as well be interrupting and saying “NOPE!”. Those nonverbal cues are every bit as important to be aware of and to control as the words that come out of your mouth. That takes a lot of restraint and self-awareness to learn control of these non-verbal cues – but you can do it!

So, how exactly DO you hone the skills required to become a more effective communicator? Well, we’ve got 5 simple tips for you. We encourage you to take these tips and apply them to your day to day interactions. With practice and consistent effort, we guarantee your life is going to be so much easier.

  • Know Your Message: Knowing what you’re going to say and why is possibly the most important part of communication. If it’s not clear to you, how can you possibly make it clear to anyone else? Know what you’re trying to convey… and if you’re going to be asking for something, whether that’s understanding, or compromise, or change of any sort, know what your “ask” is before you start speaking
  • Stay Clear & Concise: If you’re talking about an issue, don’t bring up other incidents or irrelevant details; it dilutes your message. Keep on point about your topic. That makes it easier for the other person to understand what your needs and wants are. Consequently, you’re more likely to accomplish your goal.
  • Listen, Listen, Listen!: And when you’re done listening, listen a little more. Communication is a two-way street, every time, without exception. If you’re not hearing what the other person is responding with, you’re not effectively communicating, you’re just talking. Chances are if you’re just talking, you’re not going to accomplish what you’re setting out to communicate.
  • Be OPEN To The Dialogue: Again, communication is a two-way street. Process the response you’re getting and be flexible with your opinions and your position. There may be information you were previously unaware of that could change your point of view, or other perspectives you hadn’t considered. Treat each communication as an opportunity to learn and to grow.
  • Don’t Be Afraid To Assert Yourself: Having conviction about what you’re speaking to is not a flaw. Knowing what you want and being willing to have the conversations required is a strength. Stay strong in your convictions when communicating with others. But, do it with respect because having a discussion doesn’t necessarily mean conflict. Don’t shy away from having the hard talks. Sometimes, that’s where the real growth happens. You might even be surprised at how easy it can be to accomplish your goals when you know what you want and you aren’t afraid to talk it out.

Communication helps us connect. It helps us grow. It helps us get things done. Whether in our personal relationships or in our professional capacity, our ability to effectively communicate our thoughts is essential to our success. We hope that these tips will help you become a more effective communicator.

With Sisterly Love,

Lan & Cathy

P.S. Check out Episode 21 of the podcast HERE ; we share our own experiences with bumbling through conversations (and teaching our kids how to grow into effective communicators in their own right). 

Back To School: Celebrate It or Hate It?

It’s that bittersweet time of year when summer draws to a close and we send our kids back to school. This summer we’ve been fortunate to make a lot of new memories with our kids traveling and playing through the long warm days. Whether we were enjoying a simple bbq with friends and family in the backyard or schlepping luggage through airports to see new sights, the goal was the same – to create moments that the whole family would remember.

That’s the thing with parenting, right? You’ve heard the cliché warnings – “oh, the years fly by so soak in every minute!”, “they grow so fast, don’t blink!”, “cherish every moment, they’ll be gone before you know it.” We’d be lying if we said we didn’t feel the pressure of time running out ourselves. There is truth in each statement. And, between us we have kids aged 8-20, so we’ve literally got ALL the feels these days. From elementary school lunch packing to college apartment move-ins, back to school means completely different experiences for us as moms.

Typically, there are two types of parents when it comes to school going back in session. Those who are super excited about it (Team Celebrate It!) and those who are just sad to see summer end and their kids go back to school 5 days a week (Team Hate It!). We know, the names could use some work… but you get the idea ?. No matter what team you’re on, it can be stressful just the same. For many parents, the summer schedule of having kids at home EVERY DAY can definitely be a strain – especially if schooltime usually doubles as childcare while the parents are at work (earning what’s required for those trivial things like shelter and food). Or, if your ears are bleeding from the 800 times a day your kids: ask for snacks/ say “I’m bored”/complain about their siblings – you might also be on Team Celebrate It! at back to school time. No judging here; these are all valid reasons to feel the way you do!

Over here, we’re teetering just a little bit over onto Team Hate It!’s side, and here’s why: we ARE looking forward to having our regularly scheduled days back. Having those set hours from 8-2 Monday thru Friday means scheduling meetings, getting work done and not juggling the kids’ needs at the same time is a relief. But, we’re also fortunate enough to have the type of work schedules that allow us to be flexible when that’s NOT the case, like during summer vacation. So, our kids don’t have to go to daycare, and we don’t feel that extra financial and emotional burden over summer.

Now, if you’ve talked to either of us in the past about the notion of “lucky” – we’re not huge fans of describing our lives that way. We work really hard at every aspect of our lives (relationships, finances, personal growth) to be able to live a certain way, so we don’t like the notion that it’s all down to luck that we get to do what we do how we do. All that said, we know that we have a lot to be grateful for, like an extended family that we genuinely enjoy. From siblings to in-laws to cousins and their families; somehow the different personalities and ages just gel when we get together. Of course, there are moments of miscommunication and misunderstanding from time to time, but they are minor and typically too brief to even remember. When you get to enjoy a summer filled with family time that isn’t stressful, it’s difficult to celebrate that coming to an end!

Whichever team you find yourself on when it comes to back to school time, we get it, truly. Because at the end of the day, we’re all on the same team for our kids… the one where we are doing our best to love ‘em and raise ‘em right. So, Happy Back to School to all of you! We wish your kids a healthy, successful year of learning and growing. And we wish YOU a year of patience, sanity & all the hugs from your little (or not so little) ones.

With Sisterly Love,

Lan & Cathy

P.S. If you want to hear more about what our summer and back to school experiences REALLY were like this year, check out Episode 18 of the podcast HERE. It’s definitely not all sunshine & sandy toes… there might have been a painful glacier hike and some anxiety sprinkled in there, too. ?.